And sad.  For Ken, for his family.  Especially for Viona.

For the elections.  But honestly, do elections change my life so much?

For a cloudy day.  Because it just is.

 In the dark evenings I long for winter foods, roasted parsnips, shepherd’s pie and things made with acorn squash.  My worklife is chaotic; I’m always behind.  I get little nudging emails now and then–hey, did you see my email last week?  Luckily, travel has been my excuse, but with one trip to go, I’ll no longer be able to use it.  Then there’s school.  Oh, those seven year olds!  I know what I want to do for the next five years.  (I’d say the rest of my life, but you know how I am).  I want to be in that school with those kids.  It gives me life. 

And then there is the one thing that tugs the hardest–the daughter who will leave home in a less than a year.  Slowly but surely, she is making her way to rebirth in a new life.  No decisions have been made, but things have been set in motion.  This girl, who really has driven me crazy at times, this precious thing.  What will I do without her?

 Greg is in Cardiff, I have some kind of commitment every night, I’m hoping to find out about a teaching position sometime this afternoon, and I’m craving some kind of quiet.  On Sunday, instead of going to church, I went to Wildwood by myself in search of my favorite autumn flower, jewelweed.  They were there alright, just emerging in the heat haze.  Looking like little fishies, not quite blooming.  Hello sweethearts, I crooned.  Nice to see you again.  And I walked on, smiling.  I spent maybe an hour and a half in the preserve, happy to be alone in the sunshine, bending down to examine a nut that had fallen and not having to worry about keeping anyone from anything.  I soaked it up, and I’d like some more.  Women need safe wild places to go.  Places out in the woods where the only dangers you have to worry about are mosquitoes and poison ivy.  I can’t think of any place other than Wildwood where I’d feel safe. 

 On the BBC Wales pages, the headlining article was about this gentle coach in Cardiff who’d been vacationing in New Jersey, was out with friends on Saturday night, tried to intervene in a fight, and was stabbed to death.  Wouldn’t you know? 

I’ve been home a month now.  I love it.  It has been great to be around to watch over Kaity while she’s been sick.  And she gets better every day.  Yesterday she went to her first full day of school in almost two weeks.  She’s tired of lying around and wants her life back.  So things are ramping up.  And prom is Saturday.  Meanwhile, college info is pouring in every day.  I think she’ll end up out east somewhere, probably New York or Pennsylvania.  A long long way from home.  It is not lost on me how precious this last year with her at home is going to be. 

Kieron is busy, as well, with soccer, school projects and gymnastics.  He’s outside a lot more with friends, which is a relief because there was way too much computer in his life.

Greg finishes up today with school.  Tomorrow is our anniversary.  We had hoped to go to southern Indiana for a cabin or camping but finances and the prom thing have caused us to ditch that idea. 

Me–I spent all last weekend out in the yard.  I work each day from 6:30 or 7:00 until about 3.  I started yoga again this week because my body was literally getting creaky.  What’s up with that?  I reflect on life probably too much in my quiet job in the quiet house.  I have a note up on my desk and on Skype that says “unconditional positive regard” to remind me how I want to treat people, and what’s important in life.  It helps.

It’s hard to be in a place where you have so little control over your environment and your destiny.  At the end, we prayed.

Last night we sat down with her boyfriend and laid it on the line.  We told him our house would be open to him if he treated Kaity well, and then outlined about 5 or 6 expectations.  He sat with arms crossed and listened to us, asked a question or two, and then we were finished.  It was odd.  I did most of the talking, and was not my typical nicey-nice self.  I was more like, look, you want to see our daughter, you have to play by the rules this time.  We want none of the problems from last year (…that you created.)  After we talked, more at him then with him, we left the room.  He left the house within five minutes, telling Kaity he wasn’t comfortable there, and that he needed time alone.  I vacillated between feeling bad for being so blunt and feeling relieved that I put appropriate parental boundaries in place.  If his own parents can’t teach him to respect women, who will?  Me apparently.  So in the end, relief won out.  Yay for parental boundaries. 

Late afternoon update:  Apparently the mono has kicked in full force.  She slept all day.  I’m sorry to see her so very tired.  My baby.

Let’s spring it up a little in here (pic=sxc.hu).  The week is going well.  Up at 5:45.  Work at 6.  Tiny break for breakfast, shower and kid’s lunches.  Quiet time every morning.  Off of work by 3.  And the afternoons are mine.  Next travel days:  May 21-22 to an awesome retreat center in Southern Ohio, and May 23-24 to an awesome woman’s house in Richmond, IN.  If…this is a big if…I can discipline myself to keep this schedule, my life will open up.  Week 1–so far, so good.  And I’m completely productive at work, as well.

So, now there is time to think before I say anything.  Therefore, when my daughter loses her tennis match, instead of pointing out how she could do better, I told her she did a great job.  She did.  It’s her first year.  And when she complains about the boyfriend she chose to go out with again, who is letting her down (as I predicted), I hold my tongue and listen.  She tells me about it, and then tells me a little more.  All the things I used to know about being a good mother come back when there is time to think. 

Photo from sxc.  Just to brighten things up.  Spring is here in her stormy glory.

It’s 4 am and I can’t sleep.  This happens every couple of weeks. Tonight it was the cat mewing plaintively.  I started calling out to her even before I was awake, which was kind of strange.  She jumped up on the bed and just wanted some attention. That was at 3.  

I’m in that strange world I inhabit after a trip.  It takes awhile to feel like I’ve really touched down.  There are a hundred things to do for work, which always seems to come first, and a hundred things to do at home.  Kieron started gymnastics, which is a 4 hour proposition.  Why do I live 45 to 60 minutes away from the civilized world?   Kaity has a million things going and a prom dress to buy.  Soon.  This weekend, there’s peace week on the mall at the college from 12 to 5 (meaning work), play practice for Kaity, a birthday party for Kieron, small group dinner, and that darn dress.  Life in the material world.

I’ve started a new practice I read about in a book.  Every day, at the end of the day, I reflect on my life by answering three questions.  What surprised me today?  What moved me?  What inspired me?  Maybe, I’ll renew a sense of wonder by doing this.  Maybe I’ll feel like I truly inhabit my life.  Maybe I’ll feel connected.